Jay: Did you say it was an awesome piece of spunk that you want to shoot tonight? Gary Grossman: It was a bilious piece of dirt that made me cry out in pain. Jay: Did you say it was yummy? Gary Grossman: It was an awful piece of junk that made me want to puke all night. Jay: Did you say it was excellent? Gary Grossman: It was crummy. Now what did you think of my script? Gary Grossman: It was excrement. Jay Jay: All right, it's just you and me. I play judge, jury, and executioner for this scum-filled world. Jeremy: I sleep with many beautiful women, I drive fast cars, and carry an unlicensed gun. (to Jeremy): How come you never question your manhood. Jay: I've never felt so wimpy in my whole life. I'll see you in Hell, Justine Bateman (a group of college kids are watching Jay on TV) College Kid #1: Coming up next: The Crispy Critic. (as the Coming Attractions set burns) Jay: This is it. I can finally undo years of psychological scarring! All that's left now is my failed marriage, my blood curdling senior prom, and the trauma of my ill-conceived canoe trip through hillbilly country. Every Doris Has Her Day Jay Sherman: At last, I've found my biological mother. Eleanor: Don't you say that about your Uncle Edgar. Jay Sherman: (Singing to the opera tune Ride of the Valkyries) Give me your french fries! Give me your pot pies! I'll have a large size soft-serve ice cream! A Little Deb Will Do Ya Jay: Hey look Mom, you and Hoover came out on the same day. For example, that woman over there thinks I'm disgusting, and that woman thinks I'm Bigfoot! And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops to have me thrown out of the school. Jay Sherman: Son, if there's one thing I know, it's how to read a woman. Marty's First Date Jay Sherman: Well, I can sink a $50 million musical using only the word "Crap"! Vlada: That is true, but it is a love that will never die. Vlada: I love you too! Jay: You just love my money. Jay: Why are you telling me this? Jeremy: Because you’re the only decent guy I’ve met in this dreadful country. I've been drinking in the alley all morning. Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment? Valet: I wouldn't know. Jay: Did you ever love a woman so much that - Taxi Driver: Look at sign! Sign: Driver Only Speaks Three Words Of English. Jay: Uh-oh, Yankee Stadium is emptying out! Marty: And it's Nickel Beer Day! (Character jumps over crowd) Jay: Oh no, the Reverend Al Sharpton! Al Sharpton: Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah-Blah-Blah! Blah- (Character turns into a skeleton and dies, "Game Over" screen appears) (Jay and Marty playing the arcade game "Escape from the Big Apple") Marty: Hurry up Dad, you've only got ten seconds to get to Long Island. Eleanor: (Angrily) Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse? Jay: I'm not going to stop loving you after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years. Particularly, your mother and her personal trainer, Alberto. Jay: Actually, I wish you would tell everyone. Jay: Now Son, you may just have noticed there was a beautiful woman in my bed. Jay: What if I don't like them? Duke: That's what good is for. Duke: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from good to excellent. Jay Sherman: Now for the part that you love most and I find humiliating, on the Shermometer, this film rates an "absolute zero!" Brrr!ĭuke: Why the hell do you have to be so critical? Jay: I'm a critic. They gave me a small part I played "Throws Like a Girl." Season 1 Pilot Jay Sherman: And that's me on the set of Dances With Wolves. 1.8 A Day at the Races and a Night at the Opera.
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